Edward's diary
by breaking d moonlight eclipse
Summary: Edward sacrifices his own happiness for Bella's. A story about self-sacrificing love. AH


**Disclaimer: This plot is inspired by a story on _lovefatedestiny_. It's called _Chris' Diary_. Don't own anything. Blah. Blah. Blah.**

**And please tell me your thoughts about this oneshot. Thanks.**

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It had been raining for more than a week, it made everyday seemed so restless and gloomy. Bella called and said she was coming up. It was the third time she came up to see me that week. I carried her excuse of why she came all the way here and went to meet her at the nearby seven-eleven. She was standing there alone, carrying her red umbrella. Her friend, Angela, had dropped her off. It was raining and she was shivering. She looked weak and fragile in the harsh rain, wearing not enough to keep her warm.

I walked up to her confidently, avoiding the longing for her that threatened to engulf me. Once I approached her, I feigned annoyance.

"You shouldn't come see me anymore. We broke up Bella, we shouldn't be together." I convincingly lied. "Can't you just leave me alone?" I said in a harsh tone.

"Edward…please." Tears were starting to build up in her eyes and my heart broke for her _again_.

"Lets go, I'll take you home." I responded, attempting to keep my face in a cold mask.  
She did not open up her umbrella. She just stood there and looked at me meaningly; I know she wanted to share mine, but I wasn't about to give up.

"Open up your umbrella, let's go." I commanded.

Unwillingly, she opened up her umbrella and walked with me to my car.

Once we reached my silver Volvo, I opened up the door for her. She got in the car and I followed suit. An awkward atmosphere developed as I started to turn on the ignition and drive silently. Bella decided to be the first one to break up the tense environment.

"Uhh.." She began unwillingly. "Edward, can we go to that restaurant in Port Angeles? I haven't eaten my dinner yet." She questioned me almost unwillingly.

"No." I shouted right away without even sparing her a single glance.

"Uh… okay then." She sounded so disappointed, I almost caved right there.

"Edward, if you won't talk to me, can you just take me to the train station? I 'll just go home right now." Bella continued.

"Then why did you stand in the rain soaking wet then?" I said bitterly, but inside I was deeply broken as I looked at her almost-out-of-life brown eyes.

Bella didn't answer, she just bowed her head in shame.

Being in close proximity with her, the aching to touch her grew worse.

We continued driving silently. Bella was fidgeting the whole ride while I was busy gripping the steering wheel like a self preserver. It wouldn't help if I touch her spontaneously.

When we arrived, I noticed that all the trains were full of people with umbrellas and suit cases who were eager to get home, not caring about who just passed by. We waited and waited, while Bella looked at me innocently. Being together for so long, of course I knew what she meant. I understand how she must feel when she came all the way up here, in this kind of weather, and I just treated her like dirt. With her soft chocolate brown eyes staring at me, I felt guilt and wanted to let her stay for the night.

But reality struck again.

"Let's go try the other station."I ordered.

We were living in the same apartment building few years ago, on the same floor. And we got along well. We would always eat dinner together, watch movies, and sometimes go camping. We were more like a family, but I didn't know I would end up falling in love with her. Maybe it was during the last year of college, living together for two years, knowing each other by heart, we began to develop deep feelings for each other. After she graduated, she went back home in Arizona, and I stayed for one more year to finish school. During that year, I was only able to take the train down to see her on holidays, but never for long. That was how we kept the treasured relationship.

We were walking along the side of the road. She was in front of me and I was right behind her. Her umbrella had a broken spoke. She looked liked a wounded soldier, carrying her rusted rifle walking weakly. Bella always gets lost in her thoughts and drifts off the road, she almost got hit by the cars passing by. I wanted to just take her in my arms, but with the love I had for her and the constant pain in my stomach, I forced myself not do anything. On the way, we passed by the park where we carried a lot of deep memories.

"Lets go in the park just for a little while please, I promise I'll go home right after this." She begged, looking at me with the most broken eyes I had ever seen.

With her begging, my cold heart softened, but I still put up an annoyed face while I walked to the park. I was just sitting on the benches looking like I wanted to leave. She went to the big oak tree and she was looking for something. She was obviously looking for the our writing on that tree with a silver ink pen half a year ago. If I remember it right, it said, "Edward and Bella were here, Edward had tea and Bella was drinking hot chocolate. Hope Edward and Bella would always remember this day, always loving each other, forever." She was looking around for quite a while, then she came back slowly with tears on her face.

"Edward, I can't find it, it's not there anymore." She said.  
I felt so sour inside, there was a stream of pain, flowing into my heart, the kind of pain I've never felt before.

But I disguised my feelings in a mask of exasperation.

"Can we go now?" I tapped my foot impatiently.

I opened up my big black umbrella, but she was just standing there, didn't want to leave yet, hoping there was still a chance.

"You made up the story of you and that other girl didn't you? I know I frustrate you sometimes, but I'll change, can't we start over?" Bella whispered as her tears continued to spill.

I didn't say a word, just looked down and shook my head. After that we just kept on walking towards the train station, didn't say a word to each other.

Four years ago, the doctor said I had cancer, but it was found early, so it was still curable. Thinking that it was okay, I started living my normal life again, and even forgot about the cancer. I didn't think about it again and did not go back to the doctor. Until a month ago, my stomach was hurting for two weeks straight, and the nightmare awakened me again. First I thought the pain would go away, but it grew stronger until to the point that I couldn't take it anymore. I went back to the doctor and took an X-ray. The picture came out and there was a big black spot, which proved the truth that I did not want to believe. I was at the most glittering part of my life, but it was coming to an end. I wanted myself and the people around me to go through the least pain possible, so I decided to commit suicide. But I couldn't let people find out about my intentions, especially Bella, the person I love the most in this whole world, who still doesn't know about the truth. She was still young, she shouldn't have to go through this. So I made up some stories and lied to her. It was a cruel thing to do, and it broke her heart, but it was the fastest way to wipe out three years's feelings. I didn't have much time, because I would soon start to loose hair and she would find out eventually. But now I'm close to succeeding, this drama would soon be over. Thirty minutes more this would all come to an end, that was what I had in mind.

The train had stopped running so I called a taxi for her. We were just standing there, waiting, loosing our last moments in silence.

I saw the taxi from far away, and my own tears were starting to build up.

"Take care of yourself, take good care of yourself." I said in a light whisper.

She didn't talk, just nodded lightly, and then opened up her misshaped umbrella and stepped out on the street. Out in the rain, we became two single life forms, one red, one black, so far away from each other.

I opened the door for her and she got in, then I close the gate that would separate me from her forever. I stood by the car, staring in the dark window, at the first love in my life, also the last one, walking out of my life. The car started, driving into the street. Finally I couldn't hold my sorrow and the twist in my heart any longer, waving my arms rapidly chasing after the taxi, because I knew, this would be the last time I see her. I wanted to tell her I still love her, I wanted to tell her to stay, I wanted to tell her so much, but the taxi had already turned in the corner. Warm tears kept falling down my face, blended with the cold rain drops. I was cold, not because of the rain. I was cold inside.

She left, and I didn't get anymore of her phone calls even until today. I know she didn't see my tears, because they were washed away by the rain. I left without regrets. But I'm not Edward, I'm that girl Bella, using my memory, and his diary I found after one year since he left, writing down these last words.


End file.
